At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
