I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
