We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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