i would punch a child for taco bell
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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