Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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