happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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