I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
