After last night, I could never be a politician.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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