Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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