My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
