i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
