hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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