i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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