Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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