google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
