im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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