i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
