He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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