hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
