not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
