Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
