Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
