I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
