Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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