I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
