420 ftw
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
