just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
