I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
