Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
