she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is that strawberry winking at me??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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