census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dicks are not precious.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
