She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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