So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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