The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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