last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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