trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
