You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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