You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
