apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ladies don't puke and tell
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
