I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
