you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
