Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
should my penis look like a turkey
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
