I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
PANTIES FOUND
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