maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
