We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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