you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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