I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
