They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
