I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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