Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's always time for handjobs
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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