Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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