Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
