why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
