The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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